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Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
Dr. Toni Galardi
October Column
Autumn is officially here. As someone who coaches people on the fear of change, I love the Fall. The green leaves turning such brilliant colors as they die. Isn’t that a great metaphor for life? We are always in the process of dying every moment of our lives. The question is, do we live and die expressing our full passion in our work and relationships?
In keeping with my own philosophy, I decided to move to northern California because I always feel so joyous here. What change can you make that would bring greater color to your leaves, I mean lives, that would make living the passing of each day without regret.
Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been following your column for a couple years now and I noticed on your website that you do dream interpretation. I don’t have the money to do phone coaching with you but I have had this dream I wondered if you could interpret.
I am approaching a forest like place but as I get closer, a tornado surrounds me. At first, I am frightened but it seems to move with me as I move toward the trees. As I turn around and look behind me, my house has been destroyed. I keep moving and the tornado does not hurt me. When I go into the forest, it disappears. What do you think?
Dismayed in Berkeley
Dear Reader:
I do love working with people’s dreams. Dreams are a great vehicle for preparing for change. Dreams that involve natural disasters can often portend great changes in one’s life. Without knowing anything about your “day life” I would say this: Your home may symbolize your foundation and security. The fact that it was destroyed but the tornado didn’t touch you is significant.
As you know, the eye of the tornado is often very peaceful so if you go into the center of yourself, perhaps through meditation, and yet keep moving forward, you will be safe. I also think that the metaphor of the forest is that “you might not be able to see the forest from the trees” in this transition, but, the lushness of the trees may represent that prosperity is coming from having ventured forth from all that was safe in your previous foundation. Just keep listening inside daily for what step to take next.
Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a divorced, single mother with two sons. I have my own business and do not go to bars. I am probably the last holdout in women my age who have not done internet dating. Because I have children, I question how safe it is to have men know my phone number and where I live.
What do you think about this for women who live alone with children?
Deborah H.
Dear Reader:
Dating period, is a crap shoot. Obviously, it is helpful to be introduced by a friend but the chances are slim of that happening very often so even if you meet someone in a class or at an event, you never know about people until you spend some time with them.
So, my advice is to get an answering service that is just where people can leave messages in cyberspace. They cost about $11 a month. If you don’t want them to have your number, many internet dating services have systems where you could communicate without your number being shown. Meet them away from your home and give out very little information until you feel comfortable that this is someone you want to see again.
However, I also would suggest that you release all fear and pre-conceived ideas about doing this new adventure. If you bring fear and paranoia to each date, you will draw out the worst in people. Internet dating gives you an opportunity to cast a wide net across the world. Be very specific in what you are looking for, share your authentic interests, and a picture that most looks like who you are now.
Good luck!
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She can be reached through her website for speaking opportunities at http://www.LifeQuake.net or for phone consultation at 310-712-2600.
Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
by Dr. Toni Galardi
September column
Well, summer is over and as we look to the season that brings both harvest and new beginnings, so as the leaves begin to die and turn brilliant colors, it is a great time to contemplate where in your life have things come to fruition and are in need of a new approach or palette for you to paint a new life design now.
Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been married for fifteen years and have a beautiful 10 – year – old girl that my husband and I both love very much. My husband and I have known each other for 20 years and started out as great friends. Until I met him, I primarily had romantic relationships with women. In fact I identified myself as as being gay. Then I became a Christian and very active in our church.
Recently I began to realize I was in love with a co-worker who has been promoted to become my boss. She is actually a few years younger than me and I resent taking orders from her. To make matters even more complicated, what I really long to do is have my own business but I need the paycheck. My husband and I tried to launch a business of our own but trusted the wrong people and it failed so we don’t have the savings for me to quit. After my now boss became my boss she wrote me up for making sexual advances toward her although I felt I was simply appreciating how great she looked in her workout clothes.
I don know what to do. Should I look for another job? I’ve only been in this one a year and was fired from my last one because I had trouble taking orders.
Mixed Up
Dear Reader:
Well, there are many things operative here. “De Nile” ain’t just a river in Egypt. When someone tells me they were gay until they became a Christian and got married, I find myself being very curious about exactly where those sexual feelings toward the same sex were put. Christianity or any formal religion cannot remove one’s natural inclinations. Now, had you told me you were bi-sexual prior to marrying, I would see this differently but there are many other things here to look at.
If your feelings for your boss are getting so obvious that she had to document them, you are clearly in the danger zone of being accused of sexual harassment. I encourage you to explore honestly if you are using your Christian beliefs to deny your true sexual preference. Further, most people who are born to be entrepreneurs often have trouble taking orders from authority figures and keeping jobs because they have their own dream to make manifest and failing at one’s first business is not that uncommon.
Before you get fired again from this job, start exploring how to get potential investors, a small business loan, or a grant to begin launching your own mission and visit the local gay and lesbian center for counseling. They often provide services on a sliding scale. You need to address how you really feel about your husband and go into couple’s counseling to resolve this. Living authentically may come at a price but living a lie can ultimately cost you so much more.
Dear Dr. Toni:
My husband is a cheap tipper. It drives me crazy. Not only does he tip 15%, he doesn’t tip housekeeping when we go to a hotel. He also is not a big complimenter. I praise him all the time for how he dresses, what he does for me, and I tip the housekeeping staff when we travel thinking he will finally get the message but he doesn’t seem to. He never buys me any gifts but is a very generous lover so I’m perplexed. His position is that if he were to compliment me frequently, I wouldn’t appreciate it as much and he feels that 15% is adequate. Do you think there is a connection between emotional generosity and tipping the help well?
Frustrated
Dear Reader:
You don’t say how long you’ve been married or what his financial situation is. Some people will contract on tipping when they go through tough financial times. Waiters will tell you that tips have really been off the last 2 years. I also don’t know if this is a second marriage. Perhaps he was taken for a ride by his first wife.
Having said that, I do think there is a connection between being emotionally generous and financially generous. We know from quantum physics that everything is manifested out of energy. Whether we are showing appreciation for our partner or to a waiter for good service, we are expressing gratitude and that registers energetically as expansiveness. Parceling out appreciation like coins from a change purse does not engender prosperity. Yes, there are millionaires who are known for being cheap tippers but having millions doesn’t make a person prosperous. There is an Italian word, “abbondanza”. It translates literally as abundance, but it mean more that, it also means class. Italians are known for their generosity – with food, with laughter, with whatever they have.
Since he is a generous lover, tell him how sexy he is when he is generous with praise. How it turns you on. Rent the film, “Dirty, Pretty Things” by Stephen Frears. It may provide some compassion from him for the service worker in hotels but more importantly, let him know how much it means to you when HE IS generous.
Buona Fortuna!
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She can be reached through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net or for consultation at 310-712-2600.
