Ask the LifeQuake Doctor

November 13 2019

Ask The LifeQuake Doctor Career Tips Advice Column

Nov/Dec issue

Dear Dr Toni:

I am a college educated woman in her mid thirties. I guess I qualify to be considered a millennial, a millennial needing career counseling. I live by myself in the Bay area and the cost of living is is extremely expensive but the nature here is so amazing. My parents are both professionals but they have jobs so they have steady paychecks coming in. Since I graduated, I have drifted from job to job as a teacher, then a manager at a small hotel, and lately mostly temp jobs.

I made a mistake and got involved with a guy who was I guess you could say, addicted to me. He was possessive, controlling and I think, a sex addict. Because I was struggling to find my career path, I stayed in the relationship too long and when I broke up with him, he started stalking me.

I have a new boyfriend whom I haven’t told that he is still stalking me because he knows my old boyfriend casually and I don’t want there to be any big scene. My big focus right now is figuring out what to do with my life. I love singing and even writing music but I have been too afraid to try and perform anywhere. My new boyfriend is a musician and he thinks my stuff is good and that my voice is good enough to perform but I have just been too terrified to take the next step. I’m afraid that if singing and performing is my vocational destiny that I will starve. And then there is my parents who have been helping me out sometimes when I cant make the rent.

Would appreciate any thoughts you might have on this. I cannot afford a career coach right now.

Lost in Paradise

Dear Reader:

Well, there is a lot here to address. Hopefully I can give you a little something to course correct. First off, living alone in the Bay area is for those who make a six – figure income. There is statistical data to prove this. I would suggest you cut your nut by doing so. Also, if you have an ex who is stalking you, moving would probably handle this, especially if you come clean with your current boyfriend so that your new address is not disclosed to others. I also would recommend a restraining order if this continues and you don’t move.

You mention that your ex is a sex addict. Something you might not have considered is that sex addicts and love addicts are often attracted to one another. Did you start seeing the new boyfriend shortly after ending it with the old one? If you were living with a roommate, you might have more companionship than just with men.

Also, I would encourage you to talk to your mother or father about funding career or vocational counseling but with someone who can work with the deeper fears that we often hold in our bodies around stepping into our authentic self. You may have a blockage in your throat chachra that is keeping you from pursuing your passionate purpose. We inherit from our parents and our ancestral lineage, certain patterns and beliefs. If no one in your family ever earned a living as an artist, unconsciously you are betraying the family survival pattern. When we are not engaged in our soul purpose work, it often leads to attempting to find that fulfillment through some kind of addiction.

Once you clear these ancient patterns that are rooted in the past, it will be easier to take a risk and begin practicing your voice in a low pressure venue like a coffee house. It may feel easier to work a job that is below your education and skill set if it is no longer framed as your profession but simply your day job as an artist.

May the woods and Mother Nature bring you inspiration and guidance to listen to your Higher Self. Being in nature can put us better in touch with our intuitive wisdom.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, vocational astrologer, change management expert speaker, the author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon, and a nationally known career repurposing coach.

If you have a question for The LifeQuake Doctor, you can write to her through: drtoni@drtonigalardi.com

Or if you go to her website, you will receive a free guided visualization to help you find your soul purpose http://www.drtonigalardi.com

She works by phone and SKYPE in private practice – 310-890-6832.

March 1 2019

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor – March 2019

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor 0

Dear Dr Toni:

I have been in the advertising business for more than 20 years, longer than any sane person ever stays. I am in my late 50’s and wanting a change. I feel like there is a part of me that is like a teenager wanting to break free and not be responsible for anyone. Unfortunately, I have a partner who only brings in about 30% of the income it takes to cover our lifestyle and my parents require some supplementation as well.

I have been drinking a little too much sake at the end of the day and looking forward to that as well which are red flags for me. Recently, a young woman has come into my life to mentor. We met at a workshop. Although she is in her mid 20’s, she is more like a teenager because she became a star as she was entering her teens. I have no interest in her sexually but she has proposed that I be a kind of advisor to her when she goes on location to Italy in a few months. She did not have a great relationship with her father and is looking for someone to replace him in a way. The shoot could go on for several months. My partner is totally ok with it.

I feel tempted to quit my job and take this break. I will be well compensated but I just don’t know what will be next when I return. It is not that easy to get hired in the ad business at my age. I just know that I need a change and could use some advice myself from an advice guru!

What say you, doc?

Bored and Bewildered in LA

Dear Reader:

You pose an interesting dilemma. Stay where you are, keep drinking and maybe even start drinking more or take a risk and allow yourself to discover who you might be on the other side of this adventure in Italy. Is it also possible for you to manage your work from afar given the technology we have now? I imagine if you have been in this business for over 20 years, you have a senior position in the company. If you are valuable to them, (before you sabotage your job and start drinking your lunch), perhaps you can propose some kind of sabbatical?

M ysense is that your soul is calling you to change things up. Take some time every day and ask the inner teenager, what does he want today? Further, then provide him with something other than alcohol that is fun and/or creative to do. Allow the joy to return. Go to your Itunes account or you tube and see what music he would like to listen to and take some time out to dance, if that pulls him. Going to Italy sounds quite wonderful but you can bring more adventure to your life right now. Do you have some habits that need upgrading? For example, would the teenager like to take up bike riding as opposed to going to the gym? Have you been doing the same exercise routine for years? Eaten the same breakfast, etc.

Spring is coming. Use your Spring fever to enliven your life a little. This young woman coming into your life now may be quite synchronistic. Perhaps you are here to learn from her as well as be a mentor. If she has a young spirit, let her energy help you to remember your own youthful inclinations.

I would urge you to take some kind of action now before you start making errors at work that subconsciously clear the way for a “passage to viva Italia”! Let your inner teenager open you to a new chapter in your Act 3 stage of life but you must spend quiet time to access what that part of you really really wants. Do one simple thing every day to feed “his soul.”

Let me know what you decide. I am very curious as to how this works out.

January 1 2019

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor – January 2019

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor 0

Dear Dr Toni:

Is there such a thing truly as workaholism? My partner who is a healer in the addiction field is convinced I am a workaholic. I am a gay man in a long time partnership. We own a beautiful home in an upscale neighborhood, my parents are in their 80’s and need my financial assistance, and I am the primary breadwinner in my marriage so I have to work a lot in order to take care of all these people.

I don’t think I am working a lot to self medicate. I assume that is the definition of someone who has an addiction, right? Having said that, I became very ill last summer after a fluke infection set in. I was hiking in Greece with my partner and fell down a hill. A cut in my knee ended up being deeper than I had originally assessed. It became infected and I developed sepsis. I ended up in a hospital that gave me the wrong antibiotics and I went into a brief coma. My partner is a close friend of a French woman who is an internationally known actress so he reached out to her. She consulted her physician and I was medi-vacked to a hospital in England where I got the right anitbiotics and within weeks was pretty much back to normal.

I went back to work but recently I caught a cold that went into my chest because I refused to go to bed. I had a deadline to meet. So, Doc, am I a workaholic because I got sick twice in 4 months?

Am interested in your take on this.

Warm Regards,

Ad Man

Dear Reader:

In my book The LifeQuake Phenomenon, I address workaholism specifically as one kind of addiction that is so completely ignored in the field of addiction because we are a nation of overworked, exhausted, physically and spiritually bankrupt citizens. It is one addiction that is so easy to justify why one would sacrifice one’s well being for a compulsive behavior.

Stanford Professor, Jeffrey Pfeffer wrote about the prevalence of people operating in corporate workplaces where it is expected to work 60 or more hours a week in his 2018 book, Dying For a Paycheck. The 40 hour workweek has all but disappeared. With all that said, I would invite you to this inquiry: Your body’s immune system is compromised right now. This infection and recent cold is trying to tell you something. When we don’t pay attention to the tap on the shoulder or the two by four, the third incident can be a deadly hit from a Mac truck, either figuratively or literally.

Take a few minutes and drop into your body. Breathe into the place that is resisting slowing down your workload. What emotion is there? Keep going deeper into it. How old is this emotion? How old were you when you first remember having this feeling? Did you feel responsible for your parents even as a child? What does the child part in your body need right now? Either visualize what he looks like or feels like. Just listen to that child. He needs to be heard or he is going to keep sabotaging you until you do hear him.

Now the last step, is to call on your Higher Self. If it helps, imagine a wise old man in your heart. Use one of your hands to connect with him by touching your chest. He is here to give you higher guidance if you are ready to hear an answer that your ego conscious mind would not be able to give you, perhaps. All you need to know is your next step. Just ask humbly to be given your next step around your work life that will support your physical and emotional well being. You don’t need the 5 year plan. Just your next step. Our higher wisdom, when the conscious mind is relaxed and quiet, can give us “out of the box aha! solutions” that the mind conditioned by childhood traumas and cultural expectations cannot.

May you thrive in your next chapter as you practice this often!

November 1 2018

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor – November 2018

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor 0

Dear Dr. Galardi:

I am a 47 – year – old recovering alcoholic. I have been in sustained recovery for five years. I go to AA meetings regularly but lately I have been feeling something is missing in my recovery. Is it possible to have a thought addiction? I know there is such a thing as OCD. Is that the same thing as a thought addiction? I notice that I sometimes have negative thoughts about people when I am feeling bad about my life or myself. So, is negative thinking about others also a form of self medication for feeling bad about myself the way alcohol once was?

Curious to get your take on this.

Over Analyzer

Dear Reader:

Yes, indeed. Negative thinking about others is another destructive addiction that covers what you are really feeling toward yourself. The very essence of co-dependency is about focusing your judgments toward others to avoid dealing with feelings of powerlessness, fear of the unknown, and loneliness for example.

The twelve step programs that deal most pointedly with this are as follows : Co-Dependency Anonymous, Alanon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. You don’t need to have an active alcoholic in your life to attend Alanon. Since you are a recovering alcoholic, you do know one!

These programs through the twelve steps address more deeply those emotions that would have us try to control others or simply have compulsive judgments toward them. The solution to this is to no longer use your analytical mind as your higher power. Step by step, turning your thoughts over to your Higher Self. Meditation helps to quiet the mind and settle the nervous system down so that you can actively access serenity at any time. Meditation changes the pattern in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain and you naturally begin to feel more loving toward yourself and others. Another more active practice that helps with thought transformation is Qi Gong. Check out you tube videos on Qi Gong for stress management. It requires standing but your arms guide your chi force (life force) throughout the body to de-stress your nervous system.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am a FTM transgender 64 year old ex – police officer. I made my transition from being a radical feminist lesbian to transgender man while still on the police force. I actually paved the way for more transgender cops to be hired. Needless to say, it was quite a journey! I have been living with and then married to a bi-sexual woman for 20 years.

The issue we deal with is that she doesn’t have the same need for intimacy that I do. I don’t know if it is because she is half Japanese or what but I am definitely the girl in the bedroom and she wants me to be a very traditional heterosexual man there. She was attracted to my empathic abilities with others and sensitivity to her needs as well as looking butch when we met but it doesn’t translate to the bedroom. She has no complaints. She likes our life together and doesn’t feel any need to change anything. I’m the only one who is unhappy.

Should I go to therapy by myself or drag her with me?

Frustrated Husband

Dear Reader:

Well, let me first acknowledge your bravery! Transitioning while being a cop is huge. As for your relationship with your wife, you are facing what many straight couples face. A woman marries a highly sensitive man because she is attracted to his feminine traits but her sexual style is differently wired you might say than what she wants in a husband.

I would suggest that you begin by going into therapy alone and work on yourself. What is it that you truly want from what you call intimacy in the bedroom? You might begin outside the bedroom and ask to explore communication with greater vulnerability when each of you goes through something challenging during the day. If she is able to drop into her feelings at those moments, acknowledge her for that and let yourself feel the closeness with her. Perhaps if you can receive intimacy in every day life, you might feel more willing to get into your “police officer take charge guy” and give her what she wants sexually.

If after six months of therapy (I would recommend choosing a trained sex therapist), you are still dissatisfied with your sex life, then you might invite her in for a session and see how that goes.

Happy exploring!

August 21 2018

Change Management in my Third Act Career

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor career transition, change management, fear of change, stress management 0

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor/Sep-Oct Counselor Magazine

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am not an addict so this may not be your typical letter asking for advice. My wife, however, is a newly licensed psychotherapist who carries this magazine in her office.

To give you a little back story: she went back to school when our kids got into high school and then was an intern for two years and now is a full fledged therapist in her first office. Our kids are away at college. I am a businessman. There is a 10 years age difference between us. Not only is she in private practice, but she also is a political activist for children’s rights.

I have had a very successful career but at age 60 but am wanting to gear down more and possibly retire in two years. We can well afford it. My wife on the other hand, is ready to go big in her career. I have been having disturbing dreams in which I find out she isn’t a therapist but has become a famous actress or is being pursued by men closer to her age or younger. I also have had dreams about being naked in public and feeling uncomfortable.

I trust my wife. She has given me no reason not to trust her but I have become increasingly insecure lately. Sometimes she makes plans that don’t involve me with her girlfriends on the weekend and doesn’t consult me first and it bothers me. She has always been very independent, even as a housewife and mother when our kids were young but I did feel she needed me more then.

I don’t know if I should talk to her about this or work it out myself. I don’t want her to think of me as being unmanly or hung up on aging and I don’t know, quite frankly, what she can do about it anyway.

What do you think, doc? Should I talk to her about this?

Confused in Newport

Dear Reader:

Part of having a truly intimate relationship involves sharing your vulnerability. Your dream about being naked in public and feeling uncomfortable indicates that your persona is changing. You are being called by your soul to be more transparent and it feels scary. I would encourage you to first sit with this vulnerability without trying to change it at all. Breathe into it and allow it to feel safe with you, unjudged. Notice if it shifts. As you become more comfortable with your “emotional nakedness”, bring her into your awareness. Call upon your higher self (the full potential you) and ask this part to speak non-verbally to your wife about your fears. Notice how she responds in your mind’s eye. How does that feel now on a scale of 1-10, 10 being strongest?

If your anxiety has dissipated to a 3 or less, then it is time to share your process with your wife.

When a couple becomes empty nesters, it is time to redefine the contract you have had and update it. As your wife is becoming more visible in the community and thus having greater commitments, there is an opportunity for you to explore personal development of your own. I recommend getting the catalogue for Esalen in Big Sur, California and The Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York. As you become less of the hunter/provider, workshops could provide opportunities for inner exploration. As you grow, you have something to bring back to your relationship to share that in some ways is a part of her world too since she is professionally going into the world of psycho-spiritual growth.

I would also recommend that you think about a trip that would be an adventure or spiritual quest of some kind that you do solo. All of these experiences not only will evolve you but also provide the material for juicy conversations when you return to one another that maybe your business life did not. Having the economic freedom you now have can allow you to take on your bucket list while still staying connected to your spouse.

Given that she is a therapist and not an actress (lol), she will most likely find your curiosity and enthusiasm for your newly created life very attractive. All people are attracted to people who have lives that turn them on.

There is a great Act 3 waiting for you and opportunity for you both to grow as you shed the roles of Mom and Dad as a predominant theme in relating to one another. In my work as a career coach, I love working with people who are entering what I call Act 3 – the final 1/3 (hopefully) in their lives. Most babyboomers do not want to retire in their 60’s, but like the Millenials want their lives to have meaningful purpose. Keep the dialogue between you open as you both make this transition and I see great things ahead for your marriage and your individual paths.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenonand a well known consultant/expert on career repurposing as part of recovery in the addiction field.

If you have a question for The LifeQuake Doctor, you can write to her through: drtoni@drtonigalardi.comor by calling 310-890-6832. She works by phone and SKYPE in private practice. Her website is http://www.thelifequakedoctor.com

August 21 2018

Advice on Love Addiction – Counselor Magazine july 2018

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor addiction, change management, crisis, fear of change, stress management 0

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am a recovering love addict and per my program took a year off from dating. I went online with a dating service and have been really shocked at how quickly men expect you to show physical affection toward them. Granted, I am 60 and my generation were much freer about sex in our college and 20’s years but darn, 60 something year old men want to kiss you on the first date and get mad because you want to get to know them and see if they are friend material first. I’ve been doing this for 6 months now and am getting discouraged.

My question is this, am I wrong for wanting to spend 3 months developing a friendship first? Will I never meet some one if I don’t give out within the first month? Should I think about women as an alternative choice?

Exasperated in Minnesota

Dear Reader:

First off, I want to applaud you for going one whole year into sobriety. That is a huge first step for a love addict. Secondly, given that you are now past your first year, perhaps there might be people to meet who also are sober dating. Do you go to meetings for any other twelve – step programs? You might consider going to Alanon meetings if you have co-dependency issues as well. Many love addicts do. There may be people in this culture who will have more respect for you.

You might also consider being bold and putting in your profile on the dating site that you are in recovery and seeking a man who is willing to go slow and develop a friendship first. You might not get as many people interested, but it will weed out the guys who have a different pace than you.

Another possibility is to do some research on non-profit organizations and volunteer your time at charity events that are raising money for a cause you believe in. A man who is humanitarian might be the type to also volunteer. I hope this helps.

Do not give up faith that you will meet a man who is the right match for you. Keep your intention clear and your self value and self respect high, you will magnetize that person.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I think I might be agoraphobic. I do go out but I prefer to stay at home. I live alone and sometimes I get lonely but crowds make me nervous and group functions drain me. I do like one on one interactions in my home with friends but people like to meet you places and do things and I end up getting tired after about two hours and want to go home so I am thought of as a drag. I have a job but I work from home using the internet as part of my work. Is it wrong to prefer to be at home rather than out in this crazy, chaotic world we live in? One of my friends thinks I need meds for my social anxiety. I don’t have panic attacks when I’m out, just feel mildly uncomfortable. I would say what bothers me the most is that I am single and you have to go out to meet people. Do you have any suggestions as to what to do about this?

Home Confinement Addict

Dear Reader

Well, I don’t think you are agoraphobic from what you have described. It doesn’t sound like your anxiety reaches unmanageable levels. What may be going on is that you are an HSP – Highly Sensitive Person. HSP’s are drained by groups and have to clear their energy upon returning home from being with people.

HSP’s are often highly creative and introverted. Georgia O’Keefe the painter was an HSP. Many great artists spent large amounts of time away from the world but used the time to create great works of art. With FaceTime and Skype you can meet people online and screen them before ever meeting them. When you read people’s profiles, pay attention to what they like to do. If they are a very active person physically, delete. If the person appears shy or introverted, talk to them on the phone or above mentioned apps, and see if they too are highly sensitive. There are seminars and conferences designed specifically for HSP’s. Check them out. These may be the friends and lovers who would have the most empathy and compassion for your inclinations. Some people are just home bodies. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are addicted to your home. Empaths just feel more comfortable in environments that are quiet and calm. The key is to tell the truth in your profile if you do decide to do online dating. Being authentic will draw the right people to you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon and is a well known expert on career repurposing as part of recovery in the addiction field. Dr. Galardi also trains therapists to be coaches in her method of career repurposing coaching.

March 18 2018

Hoarding – The Addiction No One Talks About – Counselor Magazine

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor addiction, addiction to chaos, chaos, crisis, crisis ma, crisis management, fear of change, hoarding addiction, lifequake method, mothers under stress 0

Dear Dr. Galardi:

I am a physician who treats morbidly obese patients for weight loss. I have three children and a boyfriend. I am 50 years old and because I am prominent in my community have not felt safe reaching out to my colleagues with my issue. Given that I have never had an eating disorder myself or substance abuse issue, I never really thought of my problem as an addiction but I read your column and thought I would get your opinion.

I have a hard time letting go of stuff. Real stuff. My children’s baby clothes, their toys when they were small, clothes I haven’t worn in years, etc. I spend $700 a month on a storage unit I never go to. If I need something that I know is somewhere in storage, I just go buy it new rather than bother to rummage through all the boxes. I have spent $40,000 on this storage unit in total so far but when I think of giving it up, my nervous system goes into a panic. I feel that I have been on my own since I was a kid

My mother died when I was 7 years old and my father sent me and my brother to live with an aunt and we were only allowed to bring one bag of clothes. We had to leave our toys behind. There is something about having all that stuff in storage that gives me a good feeling. My house also is packed with too much stuff. My fiance’ thinks I have an addiction and I wanted to check this out with you. What I do know is that I am wasting good money and it does give me a feeling of security knowing that storage unit is there. So, what do you think?

“Dr. Pack Rat”

Dear Reader:

From what you have described I would say that you do indeed have an addiction. When a person gets emotional security from something outside him/herself that is costing them in some way, then there is a compulsion present. It is costing you money to keep this storage unit, clutter in your home, it is providing a bad role model for your children, and your fiance’ is now getting upset. Hoarding is an addiction.

Losing your mother at the age of 7 and if you had to go live with your aunt, losing your father as well and most of your worldly possessions is traumatic. It has left a deep wound inside of you. You mentioned that you work with people who have an eating disorder and you have never had a food issue or substance abuse issue. Perhaps this issue is meant to serve you in terms of upping your compassion for people who compulsively eat or use. Unless someone has had an addiction can they really understand the irrationality of doing something that creates loss in the long run and provides emotional stability artificially. Your childhood wound and chosen profession qualifies you to embody what is called “the wounded healer.” Someone who has taken their childhood wound and followed a path of healing for others.

Further, you also mention that despite having a boyfriend, you feel you’ve been on your own since childhood. My advice is to do this practice every day: at the end of the day before bed, write out either on your phone note section or computer or by hand in a journal, how you were supported today. Scan through the day and note kindnesses extended to you by others, ways people helped you, how your children contribute to you, your boyfriend. Begin sorting through your life how the universe is supporting you. Now feel into this support in your body. This will begin to change the neurotransmitters and re-pattern the early trauma.

I also recommend a 12 step program for clutter – Clutterers Anonymous. To quote from their program: “ We admitted we were powerless over clutter—that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.”

May you find serenity and greater empathy for those you serve through this healing journey of your own.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon and a well known consultant/expert on career repurposing as part of recovery in the addiction field. She has been the advice columnist for Counselor Magazine for 7 years.

If you have a question for The LifeQuake Doctor, you can write to her through: drtoni@drtonigalardi.com or by calling 310-890-6832. She works by phone and SKYPE in private practice. Her website is http://www.thelifequakedoctor.com

March 9 2018

Spiritual Anorexia or An Eating Disorder?

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor addiction, eating disorders, meditation, mystical experience, recovering alcoholic, recovery 0

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor – Counselor Magazine

Dear Dr. Galardi,

I have been a recovering alcoholic for ten years, although food has never been one of my drugs of choice. I eat healthy foods. I began meditating about a year ago. In the past few months I have lost my appetite and am finding myself eating the bare minimum at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am definitely losing weight but I am not depressed or anxious. Some of my friends in the program think I’ve become anorexic because I am not concerned about this weight loss.

Their concern though is making me wonder if I am anorexic. I have gotten very deep in this meditation practice and have been experiencing huge energy rushes moving through my body. It feels quite joyous, ecstatic really. A part of me wonders if I’m losing my mind that I don’t feel worried about the loss of appetite. I am writing you because I have a friend who gets this magazine and I was reading your column and thought I would reach out as I cannot afford therapy right now.

So, what do you think, doc? Am I anorexic and in denial?

One of your fans

Dear Reader,

I would not in all good conscience clinically diagnose you without more information. Having said that, here is what I can say. You indicate that you haven’t had an eating disorder before so there is no predisposition toward anorexia. There is a long history in Christianity of saints denying themselves food as a way of getting closer to God.

It is unclear when eating disorders first originated. Literature on this subject seems to mainly speak of ‘holy anorexics’, religious ascetics who starved themselves.

The denial of food was in response to the Catholic categorization of gluttony as one of the seven deadly sins – the sins that were to be avoided, as they led ultimately to eternity in Hell. Women entering religious orders were known to starve themselves, punishing themselves for their bodily desires or previous sins that they felt should be atoned for to allow purification of the spirit. This religious belief meant that they sometimes starved themselves to death as part of excessive bodily denial.

I don’t know how much food you are consuming from your letter if at all but I will tell you that fasting can produce euphoria. I would urge you to see a physician and get a blood chemistry panel to make sure you are not undernourished. Having said all that, I will also say that there is a distinct process that can occur in some people when they become deeply immersed in certain meditation practices that produces a loss in appetite.

I gave a workshop in 1987 at the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapy Conference on this subject entitled “From the Shadow into the Light: A New Category of Eating Disorder”. Thirty therapists participated. What I presenced there and MAY be happening to you is that if you are not purposefully starving yourself or denying food as some offering to God, then what may be happening is that you are in a spiritual transition and your body is physicalizing this focus away from the traditional desires such as food toward a oneness with your Spirit. These energy rushes you speak of could be the activation of the Kundalini – a life force in the etheric body that is dormant in most people at the base of the spine. Meditation and breath work can activate it.

Making sure you eat enough protein, complex carbohydrates and vegetables is critical. There is data in the anti-aging literature that suggests that being slightly underweight prolongs life. You didn’t indicate here how much weight you have lost. Again, I am covering several possibilities here. In summary I would say to get doctor supervision for your current diet and run a blood chemistry panel to make sure you are healthy. If all checks out, pay attention to your dreams. Ask before sleeping to be shown a dream to help you understand the process you are in. It could be mystical and given you are in recovery, it could also be another form of addiction to the high of not eating much. Also, ask once you are deep in meditation every day what foods you should be eating that day and be guided by that.

If you are genuinely feeling more connected to your inner self, it is that voice, not the ego that will guide your food choices.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and coach.

If you have a question for the LifeQuake Doctor, you can write to her through: drtoni@drtonigalardi.com or by calling 310-890-6832. She works by phone and SKYPE in private practice internationally. Her website is http://www.thelifequakedoctor.com

March 7 2018

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor/ Counselor Mag/ “Losing Your Teeth” to Workaholism

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor addiction, career transition, change management, crisis, fear of change, life transition 0

Dear Dr. Toni:

I don’t know what to do about my younger sister. She is a recovering alcoholic so alcohol is not the issue right now. She neglected her teeth and now is facing $40,000 in dental bills as well as significant bone loss in her upper and lower jaw. This is not a person who comes from lower economic circumstances. She has a very successful but young company (three years old) but became maniacal in getting it launched.

It was more important to get her product into Bergdorf’s than it was to take care of her health. She has lost a significant amount of weight and has become obsessed with talking about all her regrets at having neglected herself. She also goes over and over the graphic details of the distortions in her face now. She blames me for referring her to the old dentist whom she feels should have warned her. The latest is that she believes that one of her friend’s may have put a curse on her. This friend supposedly has kept voo doo dolls. Hard to believe of a woman who is part of Hollywood’s elite but, who knows?

I suggested therapy. I’ve suggested workshops. I suggested just plain forgiving herself and moving on and she refuses to do that. She isn’t going to meetings either. She has told me she just wants to die. She tells me she can’t be the face of a product that’s brand involves beauty. I don’t know what to do. I have threatened her that I will get a psychiatric hospital involved and 5150 her.

What do you suggest? Should she be hospitalized given that she refuses to see a doctor and take medication? I am worried sick about her. Your thoughts?

By the way, I love your column. I read it at my shrink’s office and was just curious about another professional opinion.

Distressed Reader

Dear Reader:

My heart goes out to you. Let’s talk about you first. It sounds like you have offered your sister many options. It also sounds like she is not interested in helping herself. She wants to blame you and others. What emotions are kicking up in you out of this drama with your sister? Take a moment. Breathe through your mouth down into your body. Think about your sister and then find where the emotion is triggered in your body.

Keep surrendering into the feeling through your breath. Ask your body to show you the youngest version of you that first had this feeling. Now, what is under that feeling? For example, under the feeling that you might lose your sister might be a fear of being alone. You don’t mention if you have other siblings or a partner. Another feeling that might emerge is that you were put in charge of this sibling when you were younger. Even if your parents are dead, unconsciously you might feel you are still responsible for her if they instructed you to always take care of her. It might be useful to work with your therapist on the contract you may have made regarding her.

Lastly, I would suggest that you go to Alanon. By getting a sponsor, you will have someone you can reach out to every day right now.

To answer your question about a 5150: Once you put her in the system, you will not have any control over what happens to her. It is a crap shoot as to who the attending staff will be and what drugs they choose to give her. Also, unless she is actively suicidal; has told you specifically how she would kill herself and/or when, a mere wanting to die because of her condition will probably not hold water. It will also be on her medical records. This is a great example of how sobriety does not guarantee that the addict will show up for their health and well being. Workaholism can replace alcohol as a the next addiction.

Go to Alanon and work with the emotions that she is triggering in you. The more at peace you are with whatever choices she makes, the less attention she is getting for her response to her medical and dental condition. The more you hold her in your mind as whole just the way she is and that you are not responsible for her decisions anymore, now that you both are adults, the greater the possibility she will help herself. In Alanon, this is called radical acceptance.

I hope this is helpful. At this time of year, the holidays trigger so much unfinished business with our families. However, if we get past Madison Avenue’s messages that everyone else is having a Hallmark moment with their families, “Christmas and Hanukah Neurosis” can be a time to heal the past if you step back and clean up your own side of the street. Consult your own therapist if she becomes actively suicidal as to the next step.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon and a well known consultant/expert on career repurposing as part of recovery in the addiction field.

Dr. Toni has been the advice columnist for Counselor Magazine for over 7 years. If you have a question for The LifeQuake Doctor, you can write to her through: drtoni@drtonigalardi.com or by calling 310-890-6832. She also works by phone and SKYPE in private practice. Her coaching website is http://www.thelifequakedoctor.com

March 5 2018

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor – love addiction or food addiction?

Dr. Toni Ask the LifeQuake Doctor 0

Dear Dr. Galardi:

I am a 42 year old female executive working with a fortune 500 company. In the last year, with the help of my doctor, I have lost 130 pounds. I have about 40 pounds left to go. Recently, I started to plateau in my weight loss and started eating more. Although I am Caucasian, my boyfriend is black and I met him when I was 320 pounds. A few weeks ago, he told me he didn’t want me to lose any more weight and in fact, liked me better when I was fat. I should also tell you that I found pictures in his email of women he was conversing with who are slender.

He is normal weight and has a cocaine habit. I went to Overeaters Anonymous but I couldn’t really relate to the people there so I quit. I do acknowledge however, that I have not addressed my emotional relationship with food. I think my case is complicated because there are so many parts to it. I was sexually molested by my father when I was 13 years old. He is a billionaire and I rely on him for business advice. He hates my boyfriend.

My father paid for me to be in a residential treatment program for eating disorders but I never told my therapist there that I had been sexually molested by my dad out of fear that if they confronted him, h would withdraw his counsel and emotional support. I don’t rely on him financially.

My question is this: I feel torn that if I keep losing weight, I will lose my boyfriend. I am curious as to what you think I should do to convince him that I wont leave him if I get thin. I want him to accept this new me that is emerging.

Please help.

Georgia (fictitious name)

Dear “Georgia”:

You are right. There are a number of issues here. You are triangulating with your father and boyfriend for starters. My guess is that if your father hates your boyfriend and you have unfinished business with him from your childhood, that you are unconsciously passive aggressively getting your power back by “giving the finger” to your dad.

Secondly, your boyfriend is maintaining power by threatening to withdraw love as you allow the physical armor to come off.

And thirdly, you are enabling your boyfriend by not confronting him on his inappropriate communications with other women via the internet and the lie he has perpetrated around his body type…

I would recommend you return to the 12 step world but instead of O.A., that you go to both Alanon and Sex, Love, And Fantasy Addictions Anonymous. You may resonate with both or only one of these programs. Many people are in more than one twelve step program simultaneously. Alanon will give you some skills for discontinuing the enabling behavior of an addict and S.L.A. will give you tools in dealing with your addiction to a relationship with a person who creates chaos and emotional unbalancing in your life.

I suggest you get a sponsor who can help you monitor your thinking while you work the steps of the program.

A tool that I would offer is that given how much physical armor you have been carrying, it is time to begin to feel your emotions in your body fully. Twice a day, at the beginning and end of the day, spend fifteen minutes breathing into your body and noticing what emotions are present. Breathe through your mouth into those emotions as deeply as you can. The more you surrender into the feelings thorugh allowing them and connecting with them, the more your body will feel you not abandoning it in the service of another person. Let every feeling up without judgement and allow your Higher Self to partner with you as you hold a container for these emotions with love and compassion.

Many people with weight issues have trouble reaching out for help. Begin with whatever you call your higher power – God, Spirit, Higher self, it doesn’t matter. What matters is to admit you are unable to manage your life alone and begin a practice of receiving Divine help. It will get easier, I promise. It requires the humility of recognizing that your conscious mind is not the most reliable source for guidance by itself.

I would also recommend working with a therapist who does somatic work not just talk therapy.

Your weight loss in 2017 can be the beginning of you emerging from the chrysalis into the most beautiful, whole self – loving butterfly in 2018!

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon and a well known consultant/expert on career repurposing as part of recovery in the addiction field.

If you have a question for The LifeQuake Doctor, you can write to her through: drtoni@drtonigalardi.com or by calling 310-890-6832. She works by phone and SKYPE in private practice. Her website is http://www.thelifequakedoctor.com

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor

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