the lifequake phenomenon

March 5 2009

Marriage Effects of Economic Crisis

Dr. Toni News anderson cooper, cnn, dr. toni galardi, economy, financial troubles, los angeles, marriage, marriage counseling, new york times, psychotherapist, psychotherapy, recession, the lifequake doctor, the lifequake method, the lifequake phenomenon 1

There has been a lot of press coverage on couples staying together for economic reasons that were planning to divorce prior to the recession, including Anderson Cooper’s piece on CNN. I even received a call from New York Times reporter on this subject.

Truth be told, I am consulting with a couple who are sleeping in separate rooms and claim to be together for their son, but I surmise that the real reason is economics. I did a session with their fourteen-year-old son and he is completely dismayed as to why his parents are still together.

It got me thinking; is there an upside to people hesitating to divorce these days?

Yes, in a perfect world you shouldn’t live with someone you don’t love anymore, but, perhaps, these challenging times provide a way to rewrite the contract so that you live in a more tribal or community way rather than an ideal we have of romantic love.

Two cases from my practice illustrate how the current economic climate can help or hinder people staying together.
In one case, a couple came to me separately and, although the husband wanted marriage counseling, the wife did not. She was not in love with her husband anymore and had previously had an affair that he knew about. Her reason for staying was their child but as therapy progressed, it became clear there was more here. She knew the value of their home had diminished drastically and was concerned about what she would end up receiving in a property settlement, given the current economic decline. Her solution was to avoid her husband at night, spending hours at her computer watching YouTube videos. My treatment approach with this person was to work on her boredom at her job and help her discover a passion she could turn into her vocation of destiny so that money was no longer her consideration for staying.

In the second case, the couple I was seeing was fighting a lot because of money stressors, but it was clear to me that, although they had threatened each other with divorce, there was still a lot of love left in this marriage. So, we worked on downsizing their lifestyle and being more creative with their finances, spending more time at home with each other and their children and, soon enough, the fighting diminished significantly.

So, as you can see, change and crisis management as it applies to marriage can sometimes mean changing the contract and sometimes it is time to revoke the contract and trust that with greater authenticity, your life will thrive as a single person.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, columnist, and author of her new book The LifeQuake Phenomeonon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal And Global Upheaval.For more information, visit www.lifequake.net.

March 4 2009

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor

Dr. Toni News aarp, dr. toni galardi, lifequake, los angeles, psychotherapist, psychotherapy, retirement, senior, the lifequake doctor, the lifequake method, the lifequake phenomenon 0

Spring is coming. A time when Mother Nature shows us how everything frozen and austere in our lives eventually changes. Although for many, this winter has brought more than just severe climate conditions, it takes a real leap of faith to believe that Spring will come economically and professionally too. The hardest task one faces psychologically is to claim prosperity when there seems to be no evidence for it. To that end, I have written my first book on how to thrive through change. The LifeQuake Phenomenon can be purchased through my website or the online bookstores as of March 1. It is my sincere hope that it supports all those going through a time of upheaval by reframing this as the labor pains of your soul (and that of all of humanity) birthing our next evolution.
Dear Dr. Toni,

I am 68 and retired. My husband is 70 also retired. We have two sons both divorced. One son has two daughters in college. We are paying for their educations. It is sapping us financially but our goal in life was to educate our grandchildren. One granddaughter is gifted and has some scholarships to support her education but it doesn’t cover room and board etc. Our other son is raising a son alone who is now 12 yrs old. We have no daughters in law. I have one sister two year younger than me who has many health problems. The only female in the family who truly cared about us aging was my sister in law who passed away this year at 54 with cancer. We miss her compassion and caring about us. Talk about fear- I am extremely worried about who will care for us when we become ill and aged. Our sons are not capable of helping us and our grandaughters will need to get on with their lives after college. It truly is lonely not having any females in the family who ask how we are doing, can we do anything for you, invite us to dinner etc. I now know we need to plan for the eventual aging problems and the fact there is no one to help us. We have not traveled or done anything for ourselves in retirement in order to be sure our granddaughters were educated. One will graduate in May with a degree in psychology. We would love to move away as we feel very lonely with them seeming to have no time for us. We long for a warmer climate but fear if we move too far there would be no family to care for us if we become incapacitated and it would be a financial burden on them to move us back home much less care for us. Are there people in the health field who act as patient advocates or who would handle our affairs and ensure we would be taken care of properly? We have nursing home insurance but it would not cover all the care and our boys could not pay the coverage. I visited my mother every day while in a nursing home and thank god I did. She was not well cared for even in our best nursing home.

My husband has glaucoma but still has fairly good vision, he has muscle damage in his legs from taking Lipitor for too many years and is not able to walk long distances however functions well on a daily basis on short trips running errands etc. I feel his health may go down hill in the next few years with these problems and am struggling with the fact we are vegetating here in a cold climate that causes us to become depressed and inactive.
We have no answers to our dilemma. This is LifeQuake in our senior years! We would appreciate your thoughts. Not sure how many years we have left to enjoy life, where to enjoy those years and how far should we be from our children who wouldn’t be much help.

I look forward to your column in Vision magazine. Thank You.

P.J.

Dear P.J.

Yes, LifeQuakes can happen at any age but if you are truly in a LifeQuake and not just a crisis, you will know that a significant life change is being thrust upon you. All change demands risk. If there is no one in your present community to assist you it probably isn’t going to get better. You are right. Cold climates when you have physical limitations are very challenging. The benefit of moving to warmers climates besides supporting your health is that there are more retirement communities and services that cater to them. I urge you to investigate living in a community of other retirees and look into patient advocacy services and do it soon. You can start with these three:www.ElderCareLink.com.,a national free caregiver service,The Patient Advocate Foundation, www.patientadvocate.org, and AARP – The Association of Retired People. By joining AARP for $12.50 a year you can receive a myriad of information beyond just patient advocacy – www.AARP.org.

Your anxiety will only worsen through non-action. Information and education is the beginning of resolution and provides the possibility of your remaining years being a time of enjoying “the golden years.” Get moving, my dear. Do the research and then plan a trip in the Spring. Your family will survive without you. Remember, the life preserver has to go around your neck first!

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For more tips on overcoming the fear of change and discovering your life’s purpose, Dr. Toni has a new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Go to her website www.LifeQuake.net to order. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600.

March 2 2009

Coach, Consultant, Psychotherapist? Or simply Change Agent?

Dr. Toni News author, dr. toni, dr. toni galardi, los angeles, psych, psychotherapist, psychotherapy, self-help, the lifequake doctor, the lifequake method, the lifequake phenomenon 1

freud1 I hate networking groups. I’m one of those who can easily get up in front of a room full of people and speak for a whole day on a topic. I shine on camera and love radio interviews, but put me in a room where I have to tell you from my chair inside the room in 30 seconds what I do as a therapist and I start to shake, literally. I usually fold my hands in front of me (bad body language) so the crowd (who are all looking at me when I stand up to introduce myself) won’t notice the tremor. When I’m talking about something I’m passionate about, I can talk for hours, such as “how to anticipate change is coming”. Talking about myself is a little more complicated.

My biggest problem is describing what I do in thirty seconds.

There are those who are hypnotherapists and what they do is easy to describe: they help people lose weight, quit smoking, or manage stress better. There are those who are career coaches and, well, that is pretty obvious. There are those who work strictly with relationship issues. And there are those who help people make big transitions in their lives.

And then there’s me. I do all of the above and a few other things like dream interpretation and guided imagery as well. On the credential level, I’m a licensed psychotherapist and sometimes going deep into the subconscious realms is appropriate. Sometimes, what is being called for is pragmatic problem solving, and I am also called in to work with CEOs occasionally to consult on their business.

And just when I was getting the hang of describing all the many hats I wear, a new one appeared with the release of my first book: “Crisis Management Expert.” I have been working in the field of crisis intervention for 25 years and have given interviews to the media on this subject for awhile now, but it wasn’t something I announced. They just came to me when they needed me.

I liked it in the old days (the ancient 80’s) when it was enough of a credential being a psychotherapist and all I had to say was “ I help people overcome their fear of change and reduce the need for crisis as a motivator.” Heh, maybe that’s the sound bite. Just forget all the labels. Hmm-Thirty seconds may start to seem like a long time.

Dr. Toni Galardi has just released her first book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to thrive (not just survive) in These Times of Personal and Global Upheaval, which can be purchased through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net.

March 2 2009

HOW TO: Deal with Family Stress

Dr. Toni How to... author, change, crisis, dr. toni galardi, family, los angeles, psychotherapist, psychotherapy, self-help, stress, the lifequake doctor, the lifequake method, the lifequake phenomenon 0

There is no doubt that we are in challenging times.

Being a good parent requires so much more of the typical American mom and dad than in any other previous generation. With both parents working at some point in a child’s life in most households, there is a lot to juggle. Women have a fraction of the testosterone that men have and yet are expected to perform at both work and home at very high levels. When we empty out of testosterone, we start using adrenal fluid and this is what causes adrenal exhaustion, immune deficiency and life burnout.

So here are some tips for the whole family in coping with daily stress and hopefully preventing catastrophic illness.

This is the building block tip so really take this one in: get at least 7 hours sleep a night. sleep is what rebuilds the cells of the body and allows you to cope with sudden changes and daily responsibilities.
Eat breakfast and include some kind of protein, vegetable or animal based. if your body does not have fuel to burn, it burns away at muscle mass. Your blood sugar being stable allows you to handle whatever comes your way more efficiently.
Stay hydrated. Our bodies are evolving and the human species are needing more water than they once did. The more coffee, tea, or carbonated drinks you have, your body becomes dehydrated and you require even more water.
Making sure you balance everyone’s time on the computer with cardio-vascular exercise. Studies have shown that the whole world is becoming more obese because we are using machines that once required manual labor and even rural farm areas around the world are getting fatter. Exercise is one of the best ways to de-stress by increasing endorphins and reducing global warming. According to the New York Times, May 2008, obese people consume 18% more food than normal weight people and use transportation that requires gas more often than those who ride their bikes or walk to get around.
It is important to pay attention to signs of stress in your family. Do you notice a family member becoming more impatient, flying off the handle at the least little thing. Are your children eating more than usual and gaining weight? Is your husband or wife drinking having an extra glass or two of wine every night? Are your children’s grades dropping suddenly? are you or your spouse working longer hours? If you see these signs, it is important to address it lovingly before it becomes a crisis.
There is an old adage, the family that prays together, stays together. I think there is an extrapolation of truth here. Setting aside time every night, even if it is only fifteen minutes, to connect with each other is important to the strength and cohesiveness of a family. Children who know their parents are taking the time to just sit with them and go over the day, feel more secure in meeting the challenges of school and peer pressure.
Evaluating how many activities everyone is involved in. Children whose lives are over committed can get stressed out from not having enough down time and that goes for parents too.

In summary, the simpler your lifestyle, the better it is for everyone in the family’s mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.

February 26 2009

Meditation as a change management tool

Dr. Toni From the LifeQuake Desk barack obama, book, book author, los angeles, meditation, psychotherapist, psychotherapy, self-help, the lifequake doctor, the lifequake method, the lifequake phenomenon 0

I notice that on mornings that I don’t start the day with meditation, my thinking process is so much more rigid. It seems to be like dominos. If I jump out of bed and begin by moving fast, it revs my nervous system. In a hyper state, my mind seems to think in more negative terms. The more wired I am, the poorer my food choices are, the less good fuel I have for my brain and the less agile my mind is in handling unexpected challenges or crises.

When I start the day by breathing into my diaphragm and opening myself to get more oxygen into my body, I find that my mind expands and creative ideas come pouring in. When I get up from a sitting posture, I’m more centered, moving more slowly, and the choices I make for my breakfast are more nourishing. I then find myself to be more present, focused, and loving with my friends and clients. I then am more prone to use meditation tools in my coaching. I also am a much better problem solver and able to change course in my schedule if need be more easily.

As I was watching President Obama’s address last night to the bi-partisan room, I couldn’t help but think, if the various factions of our government could only meditate together, we could make a huge leap in thinking outside the box together. Perhaps each of us citizens meditating could be like a good virus that infects us all with peace and then change in our own lives might not be that hard after all and the last domino becomes all of humanity. Just from meditating for five minutes a day…

Dr. Toni Galardi is a crisis management coach and psychotherapist. Her new book on adapting to change The LIfeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Change is now available through her website http: www.LifeQuake.net.