dr. toni galardi

March 5 2009

Marriage Effects of Economic Crisis

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There has been a lot of press coverage on couples staying together for economic reasons that were planning to divorce prior to the recession, including Anderson Cooper’s piece on CNN. I even received a call from New York Times reporter on this subject.

Truth be told, I am consulting with a couple who are sleeping in separate rooms and claim to be together for their son, but I surmise that the real reason is economics. I did a session with their fourteen-year-old son and he is completely dismayed as to why his parents are still together.

It got me thinking; is there an upside to people hesitating to divorce these days?

Yes, in a perfect world you shouldn’t live with someone you don’t love anymore, but, perhaps, these challenging times provide a way to rewrite the contract so that you live in a more tribal or community way rather than an ideal we have of romantic love.

Two cases from my practice illustrate how the current economic climate can help or hinder people staying together.
In one case, a couple came to me separately and, although the husband wanted marriage counseling, the wife did not. She was not in love with her husband anymore and had previously had an affair that he knew about. Her reason for staying was their child but as therapy progressed, it became clear there was more here. She knew the value of their home had diminished drastically and was concerned about what she would end up receiving in a property settlement, given the current economic decline. Her solution was to avoid her husband at night, spending hours at her computer watching YouTube videos. My treatment approach with this person was to work on her boredom at her job and help her discover a passion she could turn into her vocation of destiny so that money was no longer her consideration for staying.

In the second case, the couple I was seeing was fighting a lot because of money stressors, but it was clear to me that, although they had threatened each other with divorce, there was still a lot of love left in this marriage. So, we worked on downsizing their lifestyle and being more creative with their finances, spending more time at home with each other and their children and, soon enough, the fighting diminished significantly.

So, as you can see, change and crisis management as it applies to marriage can sometimes mean changing the contract and sometimes it is time to revoke the contract and trust that with greater authenticity, your life will thrive as a single person.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, columnist, and author of her new book The LifeQuake Phenomeonon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal And Global Upheaval.For more information, visit www.lifequake.net.

March 4 2009

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor

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Spring is coming. A time when Mother Nature shows us how everything frozen and austere in our lives eventually changes. Although for many, this winter has brought more than just severe climate conditions, it takes a real leap of faith to believe that Spring will come economically and professionally too. The hardest task one faces psychologically is to claim prosperity when there seems to be no evidence for it. To that end, I have written my first book on how to thrive through change. The LifeQuake Phenomenon can be purchased through my website or the online bookstores as of March 1. It is my sincere hope that it supports all those going through a time of upheaval by reframing this as the labor pains of your soul (and that of all of humanity) birthing our next evolution.
Dear Dr. Toni,

I am 68 and retired. My husband is 70 also retired. We have two sons both divorced. One son has two daughters in college. We are paying for their educations. It is sapping us financially but our goal in life was to educate our grandchildren. One granddaughter is gifted and has some scholarships to support her education but it doesn’t cover room and board etc. Our other son is raising a son alone who is now 12 yrs old. We have no daughters in law. I have one sister two year younger than me who has many health problems. The only female in the family who truly cared about us aging was my sister in law who passed away this year at 54 with cancer. We miss her compassion and caring about us. Talk about fear- I am extremely worried about who will care for us when we become ill and aged. Our sons are not capable of helping us and our grandaughters will need to get on with their lives after college. It truly is lonely not having any females in the family who ask how we are doing, can we do anything for you, invite us to dinner etc. I now know we need to plan for the eventual aging problems and the fact there is no one to help us. We have not traveled or done anything for ourselves in retirement in order to be sure our granddaughters were educated. One will graduate in May with a degree in psychology. We would love to move away as we feel very lonely with them seeming to have no time for us. We long for a warmer climate but fear if we move too far there would be no family to care for us if we become incapacitated and it would be a financial burden on them to move us back home much less care for us. Are there people in the health field who act as patient advocates or who would handle our affairs and ensure we would be taken care of properly? We have nursing home insurance but it would not cover all the care and our boys could not pay the coverage. I visited my mother every day while in a nursing home and thank god I did. She was not well cared for even in our best nursing home.

My husband has glaucoma but still has fairly good vision, he has muscle damage in his legs from taking Lipitor for too many years and is not able to walk long distances however functions well on a daily basis on short trips running errands etc. I feel his health may go down hill in the next few years with these problems and am struggling with the fact we are vegetating here in a cold climate that causes us to become depressed and inactive.
We have no answers to our dilemma. This is LifeQuake in our senior years! We would appreciate your thoughts. Not sure how many years we have left to enjoy life, where to enjoy those years and how far should we be from our children who wouldn’t be much help.

I look forward to your column in Vision magazine. Thank You.

P.J.

Dear P.J.

Yes, LifeQuakes can happen at any age but if you are truly in a LifeQuake and not just a crisis, you will know that a significant life change is being thrust upon you. All change demands risk. If there is no one in your present community to assist you it probably isn’t going to get better. You are right. Cold climates when you have physical limitations are very challenging. The benefit of moving to warmers climates besides supporting your health is that there are more retirement communities and services that cater to them. I urge you to investigate living in a community of other retirees and look into patient advocacy services and do it soon. You can start with these three:www.ElderCareLink.com.,a national free caregiver service,The Patient Advocate Foundation, www.patientadvocate.org, and AARP – The Association of Retired People. By joining AARP for $12.50 a year you can receive a myriad of information beyond just patient advocacy – www.AARP.org.

Your anxiety will only worsen through non-action. Information and education is the beginning of resolution and provides the possibility of your remaining years being a time of enjoying “the golden years.” Get moving, my dear. Do the research and then plan a trip in the Spring. Your family will survive without you. Remember, the life preserver has to go around your neck first!

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For more tips on overcoming the fear of change and discovering your life’s purpose, Dr. Toni has a new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Go to her website www.LifeQuake.net to order. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600.

March 2 2009

Coach, Consultant, Psychotherapist? Or simply Change Agent?

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freud1 I hate networking groups. I’m one of those who can easily get up in front of a room full of people and speak for a whole day on a topic. I shine on camera and love radio interviews, but put me in a room where I have to tell you from my chair inside the room in 30 seconds what I do as a therapist and I start to shake, literally. I usually fold my hands in front of me (bad body language) so the crowd (who are all looking at me when I stand up to introduce myself) won’t notice the tremor. When I’m talking about something I’m passionate about, I can talk for hours, such as “how to anticipate change is coming”. Talking about myself is a little more complicated.

My biggest problem is describing what I do in thirty seconds.

There are those who are hypnotherapists and what they do is easy to describe: they help people lose weight, quit smoking, or manage stress better. There are those who are career coaches and, well, that is pretty obvious. There are those who work strictly with relationship issues. And there are those who help people make big transitions in their lives.

And then there’s me. I do all of the above and a few other things like dream interpretation and guided imagery as well. On the credential level, I’m a licensed psychotherapist and sometimes going deep into the subconscious realms is appropriate. Sometimes, what is being called for is pragmatic problem solving, and I am also called in to work with CEOs occasionally to consult on their business.

And just when I was getting the hang of describing all the many hats I wear, a new one appeared with the release of my first book: “Crisis Management Expert.” I have been working in the field of crisis intervention for 25 years and have given interviews to the media on this subject for awhile now, but it wasn’t something I announced. They just came to me when they needed me.

I liked it in the old days (the ancient 80’s) when it was enough of a credential being a psychotherapist and all I had to say was “ I help people overcome their fear of change and reduce the need for crisis as a motivator.” Heh, maybe that’s the sound bite. Just forget all the labels. Hmm-Thirty seconds may start to seem like a long time.

Dr. Toni Galardi has just released her first book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to thrive (not just survive) in These Times of Personal and Global Upheaval, which can be purchased through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net.

March 2 2009

HOW TO: Deal with Family Stress

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There is no doubt that we are in challenging times.

Being a good parent requires so much more of the typical American mom and dad than in any other previous generation. With both parents working at some point in a child’s life in most households, there is a lot to juggle. Women have a fraction of the testosterone that men have and yet are expected to perform at both work and home at very high levels. When we empty out of testosterone, we start using adrenal fluid and this is what causes adrenal exhaustion, immune deficiency and life burnout.

So here are some tips for the whole family in coping with daily stress and hopefully preventing catastrophic illness.

This is the building block tip so really take this one in: get at least 7 hours sleep a night. sleep is what rebuilds the cells of the body and allows you to cope with sudden changes and daily responsibilities.
Eat breakfast and include some kind of protein, vegetable or animal based. if your body does not have fuel to burn, it burns away at muscle mass. Your blood sugar being stable allows you to handle whatever comes your way more efficiently.
Stay hydrated. Our bodies are evolving and the human species are needing more water than they once did. The more coffee, tea, or carbonated drinks you have, your body becomes dehydrated and you require even more water.
Making sure you balance everyone’s time on the computer with cardio-vascular exercise. Studies have shown that the whole world is becoming more obese because we are using machines that once required manual labor and even rural farm areas around the world are getting fatter. Exercise is one of the best ways to de-stress by increasing endorphins and reducing global warming. According to the New York Times, May 2008, obese people consume 18% more food than normal weight people and use transportation that requires gas more often than those who ride their bikes or walk to get around.
It is important to pay attention to signs of stress in your family. Do you notice a family member becoming more impatient, flying off the handle at the least little thing. Are your children eating more than usual and gaining weight? Is your husband or wife drinking having an extra glass or two of wine every night? Are your children’s grades dropping suddenly? are you or your spouse working longer hours? If you see these signs, it is important to address it lovingly before it becomes a crisis.
There is an old adage, the family that prays together, stays together. I think there is an extrapolation of truth here. Setting aside time every night, even if it is only fifteen minutes, to connect with each other is important to the strength and cohesiveness of a family. Children who know their parents are taking the time to just sit with them and go over the day, feel more secure in meeting the challenges of school and peer pressure.
Evaluating how many activities everyone is involved in. Children whose lives are over committed can get stressed out from not having enough down time and that goes for parents too.

In summary, the simpler your lifestyle, the better it is for everyone in the family’s mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.

February 23 2009

A Change at the Oscars

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oscars Who’d a thunk it.

The Academy Awards has become a humanitarian event. There was a real change, a real transformation in the focus of the Oscar. Everyone was so generous to their fellow actors and crew. I couldn’t help but think that the feeling in the country under our present leadership has trickled down to even the most egocentrically-oriented industry in the world: show business.

Say what you will about our president’s first one hundred days, but he is a gracious, generous human being and his influence showed on the night of all nights in Hollywood.

Something else was interesting as well.

With the change in the date of the Academy Awards in recent years to February, this was the first time that the holiest day in the Hindu calendar began while the Awards were being celebrated in Hollywood. The first new moon in February always kicks off Shivaratri. How ironic it was that the film Slum Dog Millionaire would win in a landslide of awards on this most auspicious night.

Further history was made on Oscar night when an award winner Jai Ho who won for Best Song, uttering what is considered the most powerful word in India, “Om.”

Yes, there is a transformation occurring in America, but like a benevolent computer virus, this good will is traveling very fast across the globe. It just goes to show you that in our economic recession, we could learn a thing or two from the Indians across the ocean. The power of not having much in material possessions can develop the spirit and tenacity to never give up. The brown skinned people are getting their due.

Yes, change is coming to America and what happens here happens everywhere!

Dr. Toni Galardi has written a book dedicated to assisting people in overcoming the fear of change in their own lives so that their greatest destiny can unfold. The book,The LifeQuake Phenomenon:How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheavalis now available atwww.LifeQuake.net

February 20 2009

Journey to the Holy Grail

Dr. Toni News dr. toni galardi, lifequake method, lifequake phenomenon, los angeles, online dating, psychotherapist, psychotherapy, self-help, the lifequake doctor 0

For the longest time I resisted the whole idea of meeting someone “online.”

I was absolutely convinced that Internet dating attracted married men, guys who couldn’t get a date on their own, or creeps. Unfortunately, if you’re over forty in Los Angeles, men just don’t notice you in public. Coffee houses, bars, and gyms are the domain of the perky blonde with a hard body and augmented breasts, so what is an attractive, smart, funny middle-aged woman to do in such a crisis?

So, I agreed to try one and only one of the dating sites that at least had a decent reputation. Anthropologically speaking, it has been a fascinating exploration into the courtship rituals of humanity in the time of cyberspace. Before the 90’s, if you met someone through friends or at a social function, if you liked one another, you would go out. If you really enjoyed the date it would lead to another date and then if you still liked each other, eventually you would become an item and perhaps live together or get married.

Now you can meet someone online, have a great conversation with them on the phone, maybe even go out, have a mutually great time and never hear from the guy again. Why? Because you are like a dish at a Swedish smorgasbord. He may have had a great time with you but there are 20 more great dishes to be had so why would he settle for the first course? And now there’s an additional operative. We’re in an economic crisis so men are looking for women as investments the way women used to look at men. If a woman is making great money or has abundant assets, a lot of men who wouldn’t have considered an older woman when they were flush are now making pragmatic choices, so the game is changing.

You might ask, well then why do it and risk finding out the guy you just went out with is married or interested in you monetarily? Because I believe in practical magic – the law of attraction. Figure out what your five must-haves are and be brave, be purposeful, be intentional and be patient. I believe that if you visualize exactly what you want and you are patient and are willing to keep saying no to guys who don’t have at least five of your must haves, the universe will deliver your request.

And maybe the smorgasbord is like the journey to the Holy Grail. By experiencing lots of different men, you get clearer and clearer about what you do want. And on the journey to the heart, each, if you let them, will change you a little and certainly make a contribution to your understanding that men are just as fragile when it comes to intimacy as we are .

Dr Toni Galardi is the Change Expert and has a new book out to help you overcome the fear of change, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How To Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

February 17 2009

Understanding Men and Women

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cc0078 This year I spent Valentine’s Day in the most unusual fashion. A girlfriend of mine had loaned me a series of four DVDs entitled Understanding Women. The speaker is a woman by the name of Allison Armstrong and she has a company dedicated to giving education to men and women about each other for the purpose of promoting partnership. Well, she loaned me these DVDs four months ago while I was in the midst of finishing the editing of my first book. Needless to say, I forgot about the tapes until my friend called about them three days before Valentine’s Day. I had plans with a friend for a romantic evening at his home, but I thought it might be a great opportunity to watch them with a guy since they are, after all, for guys.

My friend had other ideas, equally unromantic by my lights. As a member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, he had all the movies up for an Oscar, but the movie he wanted to watch was – you ready for this – The Wrestler. Well, I wasn’t interested, to say the least. I offered an alternative – that we watch these DVDs. He hesitantly acquiesced.

I thought for sure he’d watch maybe fifteen minutes and be bored. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was captivated by how her explanation of most of what drives men crazy about women is rooted in our evolutionary biology. She explains (with loads of humor) why women need to give you the details when reporting on the day’s events, why women need men to be monogamous, and why a beautiful, educated trim woman is more critical of herself than even the average, overweight, uneducated guy, and much more.

Not only did my friend enjoy the DVD, in the morning he went MIA (missing in action). When I woke up and went looking for him, I found him in the guest bedroom watching the remaining DVDs! Separate and apart from the information, I felt enlightened just by the fact that I had underestimated my friend in his capacity to both want to watch The Wrestler and be mesmerized by four hours of a talking head explaining the opposite sex. Which made me think, how much do we underestimate each other in other areas? So, when he asked me to smoke a cigar with him in the Jacuzzi, how could I resist? I’m the Change Expert. My philosophy is everything not dangerous to do just once, should be done once. Freud may have been right that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes it’s a great metaphor if you’re a woman, for embracing your inner Al Capone.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book on mastering change, The LifeQuake Phenomenon, can be purchased in pre-order from her website, www.LifeQuake.net

February 11 2009

Five tips for thriving through unemployment

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With more than 500,000 jobs cut in January alone, loss of employment is becoming more common than any of us would like to admit. However, if you look at temporary unemployment as an opportunity rather than a loss, you’re more likely to be back on your feet in no time. Here are five tips for anyone looking to get back to businesses quickly and painlessly:

1) Initiate or maintain a healthy diet. The stress of a loss of income and identity can stimulate a lot of anxiety which is very challenging to the immune system. In times of stress, some people turn to sugar which is the worst culprit for lowering healthy bacteria in your gut and promoting upper respiratory infections. Keeping an exercise routine will increase endorphins which also strengthen the immune system. Feeling physically strong supports mental acuity and well being.

2) Write a first draft of your resume and congratulate yourself on how much you’ve already accomplished. Sometimes the crisis and pain of sudden unemployment triggers an onslaught of feeling inferior to others who still have a job. Remember to celebrate your small achievements along the road to success.

3) Ask yourself if this happened to force you into a new direction. Consider the possibility of creating a business from home. Look at your resume and see if there is something you are skilled in from your past experience and also have a passion for, but didn’t have the guts to risk doing for fear of failure or financial limitations.

4) Volunteer at a non-profit organization while you are either job hunting or creating a new business. An avocation can turn into a vocation. While I was working for a company in downtown Los Angeles, I incurred an on- the- job injury and while I was in rehab, I volunteered at an agency that educated the public on sexual assault issues. An opening occurred for the director position that was paid and I got the job. This led to my decision to go back to school and become a psychotherapist. Sometimes, what appears to be the end of your life is but a fork in the road.

5) Enlist the aid of your community: family and friends. Let them know what you are looking for and give them the opportunity to be of service. With the Internet, we are living in times that are truly six degrees of separation. You never know who knows who. Ask, ask, ask…

February 11 2009

Michelle Obama: a role model for what matters

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With good reason, lately all eyes have been on our President and his much-anticipated stimulus package. The lion’s share of January was spent on news regarding the creation of a somewhat surprisingly bi-partisan cabinet, including a little controversy on Hilary Clinton and her competition for the Secretary of State position with our new vice-president, Joe Biden. Most of what has been written about the President’s wife had to do with her wardrobe, what she wore to the inaugural, how she needs a stylist, etc.

What has gotten a lot less press is the issue of the First Lady’s own mission – to inspire children to become successful by giving back to their communities. When I read in Slate Magazine how this message to kids to become civically involved because her own road to success and had come from her community involvement in an otherwise, unremarkable middle class childhood I jumped for joy. In the last stage of my LifeQuake model for helping people master change, I talk about how once you are not afraid of change in your own life, the natural extension is to become an agent of change in the world. When I was writing the last chapter of my book and doing research on altruism (giving selflessly to help others), I was surprised and delighted to discover how much solid research exists. There are so many benefits psychologically, physically, and even financially to being a humanitarian. Our First Lady is definitely a reflection of how “I do good” becomes “I feel good when I do good.” The President may have a daytime Dream Team in the White House, but I would guess that the woman he sleeps with is making his night time dreams a better reality for us all.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book is called The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval available on pre-order through her website www.LifeQuake.net.

February 9 2009

The Reader: A LifeQuake Take

Dr. Toni From the LifeQuake Desk change, dr. toni galardi, kate winslet, lifequake, lifequake doctor, lifequake method, lifequake phenomenon, man's search for meaning, the reader, victor frankl 0

Movies.

I love movies. They are truly my favorite art form.

When a film stays with you long after, revealing multiple meanings the more you think about it, then that is a great film. Let me be clear here. I am a psychotherapist. I have no ties or investments to the film industry. Of all the great films that came out in 2008, The Reader struck me the most because it speaks to my favorite subject – change or the lack thereof.

In this film, we get to see the cost of refusing to act when it is the morally right thing to do. The film moves back and forth between the late 1950’s and the mid 90’s. The two main characters, both German encapsulate the mores of the German people. Both adhere to the tribe’s spoken and unspoken rules.

The character Kate Winslet plays, does what she is told to do as a guard in a concentration camp and the lead male character, complies silently 21 years later when he conceals information that could have saved her because it would have meant exposing himself as having fraternized with a war criminal. She also refuses to save herself because it would have meant exposing a part of herself she was ashamed of.

Both pay a huge price for concealing their shame and we as viewers see the cost when one refuses to act independently from the tribe. But something else happens. We then see their individual journey of enlightenment played out through the metaphor of books. The interesting but sad character is the woman whose mother was in the camps and refuses to forgive Kate’s character even after her death. Had this been someone who was a patient of mine, I would have directed her to Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl, a camp survivor understood that forgiveness is the only way to redeem tragic loss for one’s self.

My last thought on this film is this question: Where do you and I comply with the mores of your tribe at the cost of living a life of meaning and truth? This is my journey and the journey for anyone whose Grail is found through a LifeQuake.

dr. toni galardi

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