Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
by Dr. Toni Galardi
Well, summer is over and as we look to the season that brings both harvest and new beginnings, so as the leaves begin to die and turn brilliant colors, it is a great time to contemplate where in your life have things come to fruition and are in need of a new approach or palette for you to paint a new life design now.
Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been married for fifteen years and have a beautiful 10 – year – old girl that my husband and I both love very much. My husband and I have known each other for 20 years and started out as great friends. Until I met him, I primarily had romantic relationships with women. In fact I identified myself as as being gay. Then I became a Christian and very active in our church.
Recently I began to realize I was in love with a co-worker who has been promoted to become my boss. She is actually a few years younger than me and I resent taking orders from her. To make matters even more complicated, what I really long to do is have my own business but I need the paycheck. My husband and I tried to launch a business of our own but trusted the wrong people and it failed so we don’t have the savings for me to quit. After my now boss became my boss she wrote me up for making sexual advances toward her although I felt I was simply appreciating how great she looked in her workout clothes.
I don know what to do. Should I look for another job? I’ve only been in this one a year and was fired from my last one because I had trouble taking orders.
Well, there are many things operative here. “De Nile” ain’t just a river in Egypt. When someone tells me they were gay until they became a Christian and got married, I find myself being very curious about exactly where those sexual feelings toward the same sex were put. Christianity or any formal religion cannot remove one’s natural inclinations. Now, had you told me you were bi-sexual prior to marrying, I would see this differently but there are many other things here to look at.
If your feelings for your boss are getting so obvious that she had to document them, you are clearly in the danger zone of being accused of sexual harassment. I encourage you to explore honestly if you are using your Christian beliefs to deny your true sexual preference. Further, most people who are born to be entrepreneurs often have trouble taking orders from authority figures and keeping jobs because they have their own dream to make manifest and failing at one’s first business is not that uncommon.
Before you get fired again from this job, start exploring how to get potential investors, a small business loan, or a grant to begin launching your own mission and visit the local gay and lesbian center for counseling. They often provide services on a sliding scale. You need to address how you really feel about your husband and go into couple’s counseling to resolve this. Living authentically may come at a price but living a lie can ultimately cost you so much more.
Dear Dr. Toni:
My husband is a cheap tipper. It drives me crazy. Not only does he tip 15%, he doesn’t tip housekeeping when we go to a hotel. He also is not a big complimenter. I praise him all the time for how he dresses, what he does for me, and I tip the housekeeping staff when we travel thinking he will finally get the message but he doesn’t seem to. He never buys me any gifts but is a very generous lover so I’m perplexed. His position is that if he were to compliment me frequently, I wouldn’t appreciate it as much and he feels that 15% is adequate. Do you think there is a connection between emotional generosity and tipping the help well?
You don’t say how long you’ve been married or what his financial situation is. Some people will contract on tipping when they go through tough financial times. Waiters will tell you that tips have really been off the last 2 years. I also don’t know if this is a second marriage. Perhaps he was taken for a ride by his first wife.
Having said that, I do think there is a connection between being emotionally generous and financially generous. We know from quantum physics that everything is manifested out of energy. Whether we are showing appreciation for our partner or to a waiter for good service, we are expressing gratitude and that registers energetically as expansiveness. Parceling out appreciation like coins from a change purse does not engender prosperity. Yes, there are millionaires who are known for being cheap tippers but having millions doesn’t make a person prosperous. There is an Italian word, “abbondanza”. It translates literally as abundance, but it mean more that, it also means class. Italians are known for their generosity – with food, with laughter, with whatever they have.
Since he is a generous lover, tell him how sexy he is when he is generous with praise. How it turns you on. Rent the film, “Dirty, Pretty Things” by Stephen Frears. It may provide some compassion from him for the service worker in hotels but more importantly, let him know how much it means to you when HE IS generous.
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She can be reached through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net or for consultation at 310-712-2600.